“You’re welcome!” How many times have you heard someone say that as a rebuke, meaning: I think you should have thanked me.  I can’t remember when I first heard it but it was in recent times.  Some friends remember it from years ago, so it may have begun in certain places and spread gradually.

Why did people start saying this? I often reflect on that when I hear it, directed at me or someone else.  Sometimes the person shouting, or mumbling, resents you for an entirely different reason, as in the incident described below. However, some people genuinely believe that they are entitled to thanks for their behaviour in public places, and feel affronted when they don’t get it.  If you are one of those people, or have wanted to reason with such people, this post is for you.  Consider two questions:

• What is the purpose of thanks?
• Who should decide whether someone is thanked or not?

Those two questions are linked.  At their most positive, thanks are a voluntary expression of gratitude, which can make both the giver and the receiver feel better.  The self-help industry, backed by psychological studies, often makes that point.  For that process to work, the receiver needs to believe that the giver genuinely meant to thank them.

On the other hand, you may view thanks as a ritual, where strict social rules define when someone should be thanked, with social disapproval heaped on transgressors.  It is difficult to imagine that making anyone feel better.  If the receiver can decide when they should be thanked, then the decision is no longer voluntary, and many thanks would not be genuine.

This brings me back to the people who blurt “you’re welcome!” Do they really want to transform the act of thanking into an enforced ritual, like a military salute? If not, then their behaviour is contradictory.  They are accusing someone of failing to give something, which they are trying to abolish: voluntary thanks.

I mentioned above that “you’re welcome!” sometimes disguises a different reason for resenting another person, as in the following incident.

I was cycling on a shared pavement a few years ago.  A man wearing headphones was walking in the middle of the pavement in front of me.  I could have squeezed past him, but I rang my bell to let him know I was coming.  I wasn’t sure if he had heard me, but he might have moved an inch or two to one side.  As I cycled past him, he muttered “you’re welcome!” and I decided to confront him.  During the argument that followed he blurted the real reason for his resentment: “well this path is mainly for pedestrians!” I agree that shared pavements are a poor design and segregated cycle paths would benefit both, but I suspect that design improvements were not his main concern.  Unfortunately, I often hear the phrase “you’re welcome!” from motorists or pedestrians who simply resent the presence of cyclists.

I suspect that many of the people who blurt “you’re welcome!” may be incapable of reflecting on the reasons for their actions.  If you have read this far, then I am sure that you are capable of reasoning.  So, in future, please think very carefully before uttering those words as a rebuke.  And if someone says them to you, and you think they may be capable of reasoning, then please refer them to this article.